thoughts in my head.

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Shafira. 19. Indonesian Flickr Twitter Tumblr Last.fm Goodreads online

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Life, et cetera.

Monday, October 6, 2014

1 comments

Hi.

I decide to open this blog after I saw a blog that super lovely yet so well-written. Everytime I read a blog that well written I always remember how awful this blog is. This blog is already 5 years old, if it was a kid, it already know how to walk and speak. Sometimes, I wish this blog was as well written as any other well written blog I've read. Most of them are so beautiful, even though it just the post about their daily life. Probably that's what the power of words is.

I want to talk a lot in this entry even though it's 12.14 am and I have morning class today. So I decide to take my time to 'time-travel' through this blog. I read some of my old entries when I was in middle school or high school. After reading those posts I realize how much I've grown through this 5 years. I could see them by my writtings. I use to be a girl-next-door type on middle school that mostly talk about happy or funny things in my life in this blog. I was so naive about my writtings and I don't really care what people think of them. And then come high school. I barely write anymore because I'm too busy taking care of my oh-so-depressing life. And then, I am now in college. Time goes so fast, isn't it?

Now I'm majoring computer science in a private university in Jakarta. I've burried my dream as an architect a long long time ago. College went, well, it's good, but it's not bad either. But I still want my middle school years back because somehow, I left my soul in middle school. It still hard for me that I no longer wear white and dark blue uniform. Because believe me, I would do anything to go back to 2008 again, the first day I start middle school.

Now I am just a mess. Being teenager-borderline-adult (or whatever you called it) it's super hard. Life is tough. Really tough. This is really tough that I don't know if I could handle 'real life' in the future because honestly, right now, I'm super exhausted with everything. And the worst thing is everytime I feel exhausted I kept remembering my middle school year and it actually didn't help at all. It just makes me sadder. Some nights, I pray that I will become 12 years old again. You know what being 12 years old for me? It feels like I was born for the second time. When I was 12 years old, I saw the world for the first time. I saw how great this world is. Everything was made by rainbow and sunshine and flowers. It's always sunny in my life. A new day means new opportunity for me to make a new friends. Or found a new place. Or found a delicious food. 12 years old me is the first time I feel the real taste of friendship. Real friendship. Because I still best friend with almost all the people I know when I was 12 years old. Middle school was a whole new world for me. I got my very first real problem in middle school. I went somewhere that super far away from my home that I came home late and my father was really mad at me that time. I met my best friend for the first time just because of a textbook. I hate Mondays because most people hate it too so must be cool to hate them. I met my online friends. And many more.

Years by years, everything starts to become darker, the flowers stop growing, there's no more sunny days in my life, it's raining hard everyday, there's no more rainbow. No more happy things. Everything starts becoming grey, there's no color except grey. Life starts become dull and repetitive. I don't feel passionate about learning new things anymore. Life starts becoming an empty dark room for me with nothing inside and I just wandering all my life inside of it, looking for the exit door.

I know you probably think that I'm weird. Or my life was weird because the way I describe them above. You know, I wrote a lot of weird things in my life. But I prefer not to post it and I have a diary. Yes. A real diary. Because writting in paper with the real ink makes me feel limitless. I could write anything what's inside my head. I could write my wildest, darkest, dirtiest fantasies. I could write ANYTHING about people that I don't like without hurting or backstabbing anybody. Paper and ink always be my best friend.

Anyway, I don't fangirl about boybands anymore. I felt so hurt after my ultimate favorite idol left his group. I remember I cried all day long like fool that day. I lost friends too after that accident. Because, you know, we feel like we don't go to the same way again so we didn't talk anymore. Not to mention people change. I change. They become more mature. But I can't keep up with them because I am stuck in my 12 years old mind. I won't forget people who's used to be my friends, even though they don't feel like talking to me anymore. Because, you know, they don't want to talk or jokes like we used to do it back then. Because they think it was childish. I was childish. Because as people starts to become 'mature', we can't joke with them anymore. Because they are MATURE and some people think mature people don't make jokes anymore. I am childish. I am so fucking childish that I don't give a single shit what people think at me. Because being mature sucks and I lost most of the people I love in my life just because they are already mature. Yes, I am throwing this shade at everyone about this.

Life sucks or not, I think it's just the way how your perceive it. My life was bad but I think it could get worst in the future. It really is. So I better get ready because I'm going to lose more people I know in the future. Or maybe I could be dead before I turned 25. I don't know. Nobody knows.

Labels: daily life

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